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So instead he ended up being a big, hulking main-deck boss monster that blanks all spell cards both on the field and in the GY (GET REKT, Mystic Mine!) and nukes himself if you use him outside of his own archetype

Granted, it only works for permanent cards, but these make up the majority of a deck anyway

Otherwise, it has base power and toughness 1/1 and can't block Detectives

1 Last March Of The Ents This spell does require setup in the form of possessing a creature with high toughness and also is susceptible to being blown out by instant speed removal

Decadent Dragon In a similar vein, but better - providing card advantage and an effective creature - is Decadent Dragon

Not many playgroups would allow this